Oz XXIV - Rainforest meets Reef

I finally made it to the end of my East Coast odyssey when I arrived in Cairns. I spent a week in the area and went further north staying in Port Douglas and Cape Tribulation. Cairns is good for everything around it rather than the city itself. It is a tourist town set up for families and backpackers. There are lots of tacky tourist shops and tour agents. In saying that it has relaxed atmosphere and I had a good time while I was there. The weather was good, it was hot during the day and stayed warm in the evenings. During the day the beautiful people crowd the lagoon (a man made swimming pool on the esplanade) lying out in the sun. I caught up with the nautical Surrey girls from the Whitsundays and we stayed at Bohemia Central. It is a nice hostel, with good facilities, clean rooms, a good location, and a cool little bar on the premises. There are lots of backpacker deals in town, while I was their I always had a free evening meal at Rhino Bar.

I went on to Port Douglas and I had my run in with Team Japan at Port O'Call. Port Douglas is a resort town for those with some cash in their pockets. It is much prettier than Cairns. The beach is reminiscent of Mission Beach, but much busier. Port Douglas also has very aggressive Mosquito's which land on your face and try and bite you (or actually bite you as a friend of mine discovered). I then went on a tour up to Cape Tribulation with Tropics Explorer. On the way we stopped at the Daintree River to do a Crocodile spotting cruise. We spotted a big Saltwater Crocodile and a Freshwater Crocodile, we also got up close and personal with a tree snake. The drive up to Cape Tribulation has some great views as you wind up through the Daintree Rainforest. From one of the lookouts you can see the Low Isles group of islands where Steve Irwin was killed. Cape Tribulation was named by Captain Cook when he struck a reef off the coast and the Endeavour nearly sunk. When you wander round it doesn't feel like it has changed and you wonder whether this is what Captain Cook saw himself. It is an undeveloped place with a few accommodation options and a couple of shops. There are certain sections of the beach that you aren't allowed to walk along because Saltwater Crocodiles live there, it isn't unusual to see them sunbathing on the beach or swimming in the sea. Cassowaries also live in the rainforest, but I again didn't bump into any. I stayed at Ferntree Lodge which has good accommodation and location but the kitchen is appalling. The kitchen at Ferntree Lodge is probably the worst I have come across in Australia. Dead insects littered the kitchen, the facilities were completely inadequate, there was one bowl and one spoon for everyone, and the staff couldn't of cared less.

Choice can be paralysing. We have firmly established that the East Coast is setup for backpackers. It means that when you want to do something then there are a multitude of ways to do it for a variety of different prices. The Great Barrier Reef has arguably the most options of any on the East Coast. For starters you can jump on a boat from Cape Tribulation, Port Douglas or Cairns. They then visit different types of sites, some go to islands, others to cays, or to the inner reef, or to the outer reef. Now within these different types of sights are different places. You then also need to factor in the speed and quality of the boat, which becomes more important when you realise that getting out to the reef isn't the smoothest of crossings. After much deliberation I finally choose Silverswift from Cairns. It is the fastest ship out of Cairns and stops at 3 different sights on the outer reef. It was a pretty rough journey to get out there and back, within 10 minutes of leaving port people were throwing up on the back deck. There was one time where we hit a particularly big wave and everyone on board let out a collective gasp as we crashed down on the other side. In saying that I and the majority of people were perfectly fine. The snorkeling was excellent. I had heard so many reports of coral bleaching and lack of fish that I was surprised to see the variety of colours and fish. It was worth paying the extra money to go to the outer reef on a decent ship. I got alot of great photos and even managed to find Nemo. I spotted a turtle from the boat, but unfortunately none while I was in the water.

Oz XXIII - Hop, Skip & a Jump

There is a tendency for people to rush up the East Coast in a little over a month. I have been lucky enough to have the time and money to spend 3 months. It means I have visited alot more places and spent alot more time in places, rather than just have a pub crawl interspersed with overnight bus journeys.

I stopped in Bundaberg the night before 1770. A regrettable decision. Before I went to Bundaberg everyone asked why I was going there as the only reason to go there is to find fruit picking work. I also made the unfortunate assumption that I would find accommodation easily. I ended up staying in Bus Stop Hostel (right next to the Greyhound Bus Stop), more juvenile detention centre than hostel. It seemed to be a converted warehouse with very few friendly people. The room I stayed in was a mess with the occupant's belongings spread everywhere and half eaten food lying around. What made matters worse was that there weren't any windows in the room so there was no way to get rid of the smell of damp. The town itself isn't that bad it just lacks personality and while I was there the weather was grey and unwelcoming. I did get along to the Bundaberg Rum Distillery and did their tour which was pretty good.

After a month in 1770 I went to Rockhampton. Rockhmapton is not a tourist town. I went to the Tourist Information office and asked how I got to here and here, and was told that without a car I wasn't going here or here, but the only place a bus went was the Botanical Gardens (which were pleasant). The woman at the Tourist Office was, however, awfully impressed by my being from Essex and asked me to pass on her best wishes to Jamie Oliver. I was lucky enough to be in Rockhampton on a Friday which meant I could go and watch Rodeo practice at the Great Western Hotel (owned by Keith Urban). I started the evening with a steak in the beef capital of Australia. It is a bit of a peculiar sight bull riding. It is certainly impressive but also has a car crash quality to it. One guy got his hand caught on the reigns and was dragged around for a while. Another guy got his leg trapped and was dragged and then trampled by the bull. While he lay motionless in the middle of the ring the rest of the cowboys ran in to distract the bull and this lasted a good few minutes. Eventually they calmed the bull and the guy struggled to his feet.

My next stop was Mackay. Mackay has a lot less character than Rockhampton. When you enter Rockhampton it feels like you have stepped back into the 1980s. People walk around in checked shirts and big hats. There are quite a few historic buildings. Another reason why I liked Rockhampton was the taxi driver who picked me up from the Greyhound bus station. Every other word was bloody, I wasn't sure if this was because he was angry until I realised he used bloody like other people would use ummm. Although I wouldn't necessarily recommend walking around Rockhampton at night, it is a bit dodgy. Mackay in comparison is much plainer. I was staying at Gecko's Rest which is a fine hostel apart from the Bogan's (Australian Chavs) who stalk the corridors. Outside of town there is a huge bay and if you walk down on to the mudflats you can see thousands of tiny crabs wandering around.

After Mackay I went to Airlie Beach for the Whitsundays trip. Airlie is renowned as a party town for backpackers and does have the feel of a Club Med seaside resort. The hostels are known to be particularly bad for cleanliness, facilities, and bed bugs. "Goodnight, mind the bed bugs don't bite", had little meaning for me until I reached Australia. When checking into a hostel you should always check your prospective bunk for tiny holes in the wood where they reside, you also need to check the mattress for blood spots, and if you are against the wall they can nest in unpainted mortar. You will know when you have been bitten by bed bugs because you have rows of itchy chicken pox style spots. They are taken from hostel to hostel in rucksacks and sleeping bags (hence why sleeping bags are banned in most hostels). I was under the impression that bed bugs were tiny but apparently they can get up to an inch long. A girl I know woke up to discover bed bugs crawling over her breasts. The yachts on the Whitsundays are not immune, backpacker yachts don't let you take bags with zips on board (as they nest in the zips). Alot of the cheaper boats are infested and even the higher end racing yachts like British Defender have problems. In the classy Whitsunday Magic this wasn't a problem, I could have as many zips as I liked.

I am probably doing Airlie Beach a bit of a disservice. The scenery is pretty and I stayed in a good hostel at Backpackers on the Bay. Just make sure you avoid Beaches, Magnums, and Koalas. I would suggest not going closer than a barge pole to anything relating to Koala Backpackers. I have not heard a good thing about any of their hostels. I have been told that their Fraser Island Self-drive trips are pretty appalling. Two 4x4s went out on one occasion, one group had half the food needed for the trip and the other group had all the food but an empty gas bottle. I did break the rule of avoiding Magnums when I stayed in their resort on Magnetic Island. Magnums always looks cheaper than other hostels but that is because all you get included is your bed with a bottom sheet. They do not give you a top sheet, a pillow, or a blanket. For all of these luxury items you have to pay a fee and a deposit. I had one of my worst nights sleep their surrounded by a choir of snorers. In saying that Magnetic Island is very pretty and I had a good evening watching toad racing with a German guy called Leonard. The toad racing was highly entertaining with a very funny Aussie bloke running it. He auctioned the toads before the race and had a variety of nicknames for them. Whenever the bidding got to $16 he would give the toad a kiss (sweet 16 never been kissed). A big crowd was watching, including US Navy guys on shore leave who seemed to have more money than sense when it came to purchasing toads. US Marines and Navy personnel have been a feature in alot of places on the East Coast. They have been participating in the largest naval training exercise in history with Australian forces. I always find it amazing to see how young the military guys look. I would imagine that the Marines have got to be pretty pleased to have been posted to the East Coast of Oz rather than Baghdad.

On from Magnetic Island I went to Mission Beach. It is one of the more undiscovered spots on the East Coast. I stayed at the Beach Shack. It is a very small pleasant hostel, you cross the road and you are on the beach. The beach is beautiful, it is a tropical paradise lined with palm trees. I went swimming there and had stingrays swimming beneath me. I also went walking in the rainforest on the lookout for Cassowaries. Cassowaries are very similar to Emus except thy are more colourful, aggressive and have bigger claws. I didn't see any and I'm not altogether sure what I would have done if I had (apparently running away isn't the best method of not getting clawed).

Oz XXII - Dorm Etiquette

There are certain unwritten rules when staying in hostel dorms. Whilst they are unwritten they are pretty straightforward, don't be a muppet and think about the other people in your room. Generally people stick to these rules, however, when there is a group of people in a dorm (rather than just solo travellers) the rules can go right out the window. I stayed at Port O'Call hostel in Port Douglas. The first time I was there I was a in a room with an Italian called Mario (ex-professional footballer) and a German guy. Both nice guys, friendly, and non-snorers (all important). The second time I stayed there, after my Cape Tribulation trip, I was unfortunate enough to land in Tokyo. In general Asian travellers are very friendly and slightly mental. However, a group of Japanese boys is a whole different story. I arrived in the dorm to find the other 3 beds each had their own laptop. They had their clothes hung around the room and generally behaved liked I was some kind of weirdo for daring to enter their place (they had been staying there for 10 days, which is a bad sign in itself). I went into town for a few beers and came back to find Tokyo 1 watching a DVD on his laptop. I had a wash and went to bed. At 1am Tokyo 2 returned stomped around the room and then had a shower. He then decided it would be a good idea to use a hair dryer. I wasn't impressed and banged on the wall, advising him that if he wanted to use the hair dryer in the future (and continue to be a ponce) then he had better stop using it. He did. He then decided to open a few beers and turn his laptop on. I wasn't impressed. At 3am Tokyo 3 returned stomped around the room and opened a beer. His friend took him outside. At 5am Tokyo 3 woke up got a beer and turned his laptop on. Now I can't say using your laptop at night is one of the rules I would have told people about before but it is now going on the list.

The Tokyo triplets only saving grace was that they didn't snore. Snoring is possibly the most disruptive thing in a dorm. Generally when people are muppets and come back drunk the distrubance only lasts a few minutes before they pass out. However, snorers can go for the whole night. I have returned to dorms at night to be greeted with choirs of snorers. I have taken it on myself to wake these people if they are lying on their back. It is really frustrating when they are lying on their sides and still snoring. I had one guy in Sydney who seemed to choke to death throughout the night. Another guy in Canberra snorted loudly on the hour every hour.

Oz XXI - Whitsunday Magic

There are certain must-dos on the East Coast of Oz. Fraser is one of those, so is a cruise around the Whitsunday Islands. There are numerous boats you can choose to cruise around and for different periods. I originally choose the Solway Lass which is a tall-ship for flash-backers (backpakcers willing to pay a bit more cash). Unfortunately this was booked up so I paid an upgrade fee and found myself aboard the luxury 5 star Whitsunday Magic. It is another tall-ship but intended for couples with cash in their pocket and not backpackers. Not only was the ship better than I originally planned but I was out cruising around for an extra day (cash back). The weather was perfect for the 3 days and the sea was as flat as a pancake. Even though the wind was very low we managed to get powered by the sails for an afternoon. The sunsets were great with the last one being especially dramatic.

I do enjoy the finer things in life and I was in for a treat. The food was superb. We had breakfast, morning tea, lunch, afternoon tea, and dinner. I have never eaten such a high standard of food for so long. The sort of food where the presentation looks so good that you don't want to spoil it. Not only was the food good but the crew waited on us. There were a few backpakcers aboard and once we boarded we were having a cup of tea, one finished and asked the crew where we should take the dirty cups. The crew member (Captain Jack, not the real Captain) was taken aback as they normally just come round and pick up after the guests!

I was lucky that there were 4 more backpackers on the boat and we got on really well. I was sharing a room with a girl who lives not more than 30 mins drive from me at home. It was nice to be outside the backpacker bubble chatting with Australians on holiday and different aged travellers rather just early-twenty somethings. The crew were a good bunch aswell and they would generally stay up with us at night showing the 'games' they play on the party-boats. If you happen to play the blanket game just give them the blanket and don't get too confident with the 'My little Piggy' game either.

We had one full day of snorkelling at a couple of different sites. The quality of the coral was good and at the Blue Pearl Lagoon the fish swarmed around us as the crew fed them. We also had a morning on Whitehaven beach. It is a stunning white beach. The sand is so fine that you can polish jewellery with it, and if you were to drop your camera on the beach it would be as good as dropping it in the sea. It also makes a squeaky sound as you walk on it.

Oz XX - Cool Bananas

I have spent the past month in the little town of Agnes Water next to the even smaller town of 1770. 1770 is named after Captain Cook landing here in 1770. The place is so small that you need to phone the bus driver on his mobile to make sure he is going to pick you up. There is one pub in Agnes Water and a bar in 1770. The bar in 1770 doesn't have any toilets of its own, you use the public toilets in the park. The road here was only made passable to cars without 4 wheel drive in 2000 and the Greyhound bus only started coming here in 2003. When it arrived the town came out to welcome its arrival.

I have been staying in a great little hostel, Cool Bananas. I have been working here for the past 3 weeks, my job titles ranging from Dish Bitch to Yard Boy ( very 19th century romantic novel). It feels at times like I am in the middle of a sitcom with the characters around here. The guy who runs the hostel is eccentric but he is the main reason for it being such a great place. You can buy dinner each evening for only $5 and the food is excellent. I have met a great bunch of people here. The only bad thing about the place has been the weather. It has rained a fair bit. This has been the wettest June in Queensland. They also had their coldest week in 80 years.

There are a multitude of activities to do here like most places on the East Coast. The great thing here is because it is off the beaten track it means that these activities are much cheaper than anywhere else. For instance I did a scenic/aerobatics flight for $65 (about 25pounds). Great views but a slightly terrifying experience. There is a Scooteroo tour where you ride motorbikes, without any prior experience, at speeds of 50mph. Surf lessons and surfboard hire are cheap as chips. I've been playing golf whilst trying to avoid hitting Kangaroos.

Oz XIX - We made a full moon party on Fraser

Fraser Island is the largest sand island in the world. It is world heritage listed and they let backpackers hire 4x4s, drive around on the beach and the inland tracks and camp in the dunes. Going to Fraser Island is a must do on the East Coast trail. The thing that concerns people is who they end up with in their group when they do the self-drive trip. Unless you know people you want to go with then the hostel will randomly assign a group of 11 a Toyota Landcruiser and some them on to the island. I was delayed by a day because Dingo's (the hostel I was staying at in Rainbow Beach) needed someone to drop out as they had too many people. They gave me free accommodation, internet, dinner, beer and $60. The next day I wandered around Rainbow Beach. When I got back to the hostel a new guy had arrived in my room, he was an Irish guy who was instantly chatty, funny, and friendly, if suffering from ADD. It turned out he knew a guy who had met some girls in his room. Another couple joined us based on me chatting to them the night before. Group C was formed. The eleven were two English guys, two Irish guys, two German girls, three Dutch girls, one French girl, and one Irish girl. We all got on really well. During the evening we were asked for someone responsible to look after the map from each group. For some reason everyone in Group C pointed at me. I somehow look responsible, I think it must be the glasses. I was then christened Captain, a nickname that stuck for the rest of the trip. Starngely enough the Revue wrote a sketch about a character who was a Captain using my full name a few years ago.

The first day of the trip involves loading up the vehicle and get having the briefing. The two guys who run the 4x4s for Dingo's do seem to be slightly mental in a country way. The convoy of five vehicles (each with eleven people on board) then headed off. To say it was cosy in the back is an understatement.The start for Group C was not auspicious. We got stuck coming off the barge. We then had some hairy driving around Hook Point, with the Dublin taxi driver deciding that the speed limit of 60kph meant 100kph was acceptable. We arrived at Indian Head the northern most point that we are allowed to drive to. It is a stunning spot with great views. Lunch consisted of sandwiches. The food for the trip was really good. You don't choose what food they give you, you just pay a set fee and they supply you with food and a menu. We had steak on the first night with potato salad, scrambled eggs for breakfast on the second day, wraps on the second day for lunch, and chicken stir fry for dinner. All the food was given extra texture with generous amounts of sand. We washed the dishes in the sea, and cooking once the sun had set was smart because it stopped you seeing how dirty everything was. We camped behind the dunes with the other Dingo's 4x4s. If you do visit Fraser and decide to go for a wander just be careful you don't fall in any pot holes behind the dunes. There are no toilet facilities if you camp on the beach so you have to dig a hole for yourself. As far as I'm concerned doing a poo on Fraser is required. It is slightly unnerving though when a troop of big ants start marching towards you in your vulnerable state. People scurrying up into the trees with a shovel and toilet paper in hand becomes part of the scenery.

One of the things you have to be careful of whilst on Fraser are the dingos. They are the purest breed of dingos in Australia and they have been known to attack children. When on the island you are under strict instructions not to feed or approach the dingos. You must make sure all your food, cooking equipment, and rubbish is secured in the vehicle. Rangers patrol the island and we were advised not to feed them or give them beer as they are Australian. They will fine you if you leave any rubbish out. I did my best impression of a big game hunter by continuously pointing out dingo tracks, you seem them around quite a bit and they will generally keep away from you. You are meant to go in groups when going to the toilet in case you stumble upon some dingos. None of the guys did this. I have heard of groups of girls singing Happy Birthday together to avoid hearing the sound of each other urinating. Apparently if you are male and a meat eater then you canscare dingos off by urinating around the tent to mark your territory. Cockatoo Paul in Byron told a story of how he was camping on Fraser with his girlfriend at the time who was on her period. In the middle of the night he awoke to find a dingo attempting to have sex with her. The relationship ended because he laughed.

On the second day we headed for Lake McKenzie and it was my turn to drive. On the way we stopped in Eurong. For the first day we felt like we were in the middle of nowhere apart from the 4x4s hurtling up and down the beach. Eurong is a settlement of about 100 people with a shop, toilets, a hotel and cafe. It felt very strange to be there. The drive to Lake McKenzie is through the rainforest along tracks. It is a really good drive and can get a bit tricky at times. Lake McKenzie is beautiful. After driving for 45 minutes and walking along a track you emerge into a clearing and the crystal clear waters of Lake McKenzie emerge. In the evening we dug out a table and chairs for the Fraser full moon party. At one stage we had 27 people playing the drinking game Kings, culminating in the rule that everyone could only stand on one leg leading to 20 minutes of dominoes.

On the final day we packed up the tents and headed off to Lake Wabby. Half the group went driving, the other half including myself walked the 45 minutes to Lake Wabby. Apart from scratches on the soles of my feet it was well worth the effort. Lake Wabby feels like you are in the middle of the rainforest with a dune towering overhead. It feels more remote and I preferred it to Lake McKenzie. We then headed back to the ferry with the final driver very nearly rolling the 4x4 and then nearly side swiping another car. We managed to get stuck trying to board the ferry. As Captain I was assigned the task of getting us out. I managed this, though I did start the recovery process by pressing the brake peddle rather than the accelerator. It was only until the girl sitting next to me pointed this out that we got moving. We expected to have an argument with the 4x4 guys to get our deposit back but we didn't have a problem. Everyone scurried inside the hostel to have a shower after waiting for a wash for three days, excluding swimming in lakes. My feet were a sorry state after no flip flops for the best part of three days.

Rainbow Beach is a pretty little town, like every place I've been to since Sydney, the locals are friendly and smile alot. The beach stretches for miles in both directions. There is a great spot called Carlo Sandblow. It takes 10 minutes to wander through thick forest and suddenly appear on top of a huge sand dune with views across the Great Sandy National Park. Dingo's Hostel is a very good hostel, with clean facilities and friendly staff (one is from South Woodham Ferrers). The only trouble, as with all hostels in Rainbow Beach and Hervey Bay, is that people only stay one night go to Fraser, stay another night, then leave. So there is a bit of strange atmosphere there during the day.

Oz XVIII - Nothing but Noosa

I have had the best week of my travels up the East Coast. Noosa has just about everything you could want in a coastal town. The only thing that lets it down for people is that it is a place designed for more wealthy clientele than backpackers. Noosa is meant to have some of the best chefs in Australia and lots of expensive shops, like Calvin Klein and Hugo Boss. I was staying in Halse Lodge YHA right in the heart of Noosa Heads. It is a beautiful 19th century wooden building, with big verandas and plenty of space to relax. The beach is only a couple of minutes away, so you can swim or surf without breaking a sweat. There is a national park extending round the headland with spectacular views. The Noosa River extends inland and there are Pelicans all the way along it.

The people tend to make a place and I was lucky enough to get in with a great group of people when I arrived. I was sitting on the veranda and recognised a girl from Lennox Heads, we started having a chat, then a random guy joined us, then a guy from my dorm and then another random guy joined us. The makeup of the group changed over the week but whoever joined we all seemed to instantly get on and the banter was great.

I had a couple of surf lessons while I was in Noosa. Conditions were much calmer than at Byron and I did a better job. The guys at Merrick's Surf School are a great bunch and excellent instructors. I instantly became Steve-o or Pommie Barsted or the Greatest Surfer from Essex. On the second lesson there was a storm moving across Noosa and out in the bay were Water Spouts (mini Tornadoes). In the afternoon they had a deal where Kayak hire was included with the surf lesson in the morning. The first time I did this I was in a group with others from the surf lesson. It was a beautiful day and we paddled without a care in the world. On the second occasion I was on my own. I saw some stingrays in the river and was paddling along happily enough. It then started to pour, which then turned into a tropical monsoon. This was fine as I was already pretty wet. However, I could then hear thunder claps and see lightening flashes. I was sitting in a river, in a plastic tub filled with water, dripping wet, holding a metal pole. All I needed to do to be more conductive was fly a kite. The banks of the river were lined with trees so I couldn't get out of the water. I decided to sit under a bridge for a while and then paddle for home. It is probably best to check the weather forecast in future.

One of my mates from the hostel, Andy, is an English guy who has been surfing for years. He hired a camper van in Australia and has been surfing along the East Coast. After my first surf lesson in Noosa he said I could come out with him and some Swedish guys to spend the day surfing. I had only had 2 lessons and still didn't really know what I was doing. I hired a board from the hostel and went out into the sea. Andy was complaining that the surf was too small, it seemed to be pretty big when I was out there. It is much easier to learn to surf with an instructor telling you what to do and putting you on to waves. I spent the morning paddling around getting tired and not catching any waves. I moved into the whitewater and got a bit better luck. In the afternoon Andy helped me catch some waves. In the surf lessons they generally don't take you out beyond the waves. With Andy I paddled out beyond the waves and then sat on the surfboard enjoying the view, wondering if Jaws was going for a morning swim below me. Andy then held on to my board and told me when to paddle. The waves were getting pretty big by this stage, by my standards at least. I was in position and he said paddle then told me to stop, it was a huge wave, a woman on a surfboard nearby commented, "I was wondering whether you going to let him drown." After that he got me on to 5 or 6 waves and I got better on each wave. It was hardwork paddling out back through the waves. It is quite something to paddle through one wave to be confronted with another wave towering over you. I then spent another hour on my own and caught a couple of waves aswell as some bruises. I did manage to catch one wave properly and standup, and was pretty pleased with myself. I was going to leave it at that and then thought I could catch another wave. Schoolboy error. I went out again and when I tried to catch another wave, I got absolutely pummelled in the surf. All good fun.

Oz XVII - Leaving Bris Vegas

The guidebooks rave about how friendly and relaxed people in Brisbane are. It is true apart from if you are standup comic doing new act gigs on the Sit Down Comedy Club Nursery circuit. My first gig was in Kedron. It was a decent space and a big crowd. Unfortunately there were a group of lager swilling, middle-aged lawn bowlers, who had decided to get wasted and weren't interested in the comedy. There were alot of them and they dominated the room. They were also vocal in their disinterest in the comedy. Somewhat ironically the most obnoxious and loud members of the group were policemen. I was on in the second half and I didn't grab their attention so they just talked amongst themselves. To be fair every act struggled, and those that tried to take them on came across poorly. The MC was the only guy who managed to do a decent job and I think that was partly down to him looking like an Aussie bloke. My second gig was in New Farm. I was on first and seemed to make as much impression on the audience as someone farting. Noticeable, somewhat worth a chuckle, but not important. I did make a bit of a foolish choice in my intro by deciding to rant about the rudeness of staff at Queensland Rail, possibly not the best thing for an outsider to do. The frustrating thing with both gigs is that with the audience not interested and not reacting your routine comes across as over-rehearsed and tired. Whereas infront of a crowd who are hanging off your every word it appears that you are a great improviser making it up as you go along. It was worth doing the gigs to get more experience under the belt, but that doesn't stop it from being irritating.

Brisbane is a great city. The central business district has all the flashiness of Sydney & Melbourne but is much smaller. There are lots of cafes and green spaces with the river following the southern edge of the city centre. There are lots of things to do and see. I prefered Brisbane to Melbourne, which is a controversial opinion to hold. I stayed in Banana Benders backpackers, not a gay nightclub, though it is packed with Germans (apparently it features on a German backpacking website). Next door to the hostel is a Gentlemens Club, Bad Girls, and next door to that is a born again Christian centre, 'Christ is coming to reign over us'. I would like to know who in the council decided that putting these 3 establishments next to each other would be a good idea. I watched the FA Cup Final in the hostel, which was a bit strange. I didn't realise how much Germans enjoy England getting knocked out of football competitions. I thought the rivalry was more on our side, but apparently not. The girls from Byron persuaded me to go with them to the Lone Pine Koala Sanctuary. It was much better than I expected. There were a ridiculous number of Koalas, so much so that after a couple of hours the girls were no longer that impressed by them. I also saw Koalas walking around and jumping (I didn't realise that they could). They have a Kangaroo enclosure where you can walk among them and feed them. They are just like dogs and completely indifferent to people. It was amazing to see Joeys', hiding in Mum's pouch. They also fed Rainbow Lorikeet Parrots which was amazing. You see them along the coast but to get that close to them was brilliant.

Oz XVI - Byron Bay

Byron Bay is beautiful. I spent a week there staying in, the uniquely Byron, Arts Factory Lodge. Byron is packed to the rafters with backpackers. A contrast to all the places I had stopped in on my way up from Sydney. The beaches are stunning, if you sit on Main Beach to your right is Cape Byron with the Lighthouse and to your left mountains extend into the distance. The Arts Factory Lodge is a huge bohemian backpackers resort. You can stay in a double decker bus, a tipi, camp or in a dorm. The dorms are centred round a pool surrounded by huge palms. It is dirty and overcrowded but has atmosphere and character. I did my standup gig there on my first night and there are lots of other things going on during the week. They have a resident Aussie Legend, Cockatoo Paul. He does a buchtucker walk where you suck the nectar out of flowers and make wristbands out of leaves. He does a show in the evening, playing 7 instruments at the same time. There is a pub, cafe, day spa and cinema on site.

Byron feels alot like Queenstown. Its the backpacker capital and not a big place. So whenever you wander around you bump into people you have met from further down the coast. Everyone goes out to the nightclub Cheeky Monkeys which has various lurid shows on during the week. There isn't a dancefloor in the club, just tables for you to dance on. The challenge seems to be avoiding the drunk guys stumbling off the tables left right and centre.

I ended up hanging out with Dorm 11 (Dorm Heaven). We all went are separate ways, apart from 4 of us who headed on to Surfers Paradise. Surfers is a huge contrast to Byron. When you drive up the coast you can see the silouhette of the skyscrapers on the horizon. They are all hotels or apartment towers. It feels like you have been transported into another country, you could be in the Algarve or the Costa del Sol. It isn't really Australia. Hopefully Bryon manages to keep some of its small town character and doesn't turn into Surfers. We only stayed 2 nights. We went to Wet n' Wild waterpark and found a multitude of ways to get wet and wild. The girls were distinctly unimpressed by the fear factor on alot of the slides, but I thought they were pretty good. There was one called the Tornado where two of you would sit either side of a rubber ring, you would go round the corner then suddenly drop go flying up the other side and then drop again, repeating back and forth until you stopped. We stayed in Sleeping Inn Surfers which is a nice hostel with great staff. However, for each room of 8 there is 1 bathroom and 1 kitchen, so when everyone decides to cook or have a wash it is packed.

Oz XV - Lucky Git

You know those people who are funny and intelligent and win things, well I'm one of those people! I make this statement with tongue firmly in cheek but the facts speak for themselves. I arrived at the Arts Factory Lodge hostel in Byron and saw on the noticeboard 'Talent Show'. I haven't entered a talent show since Primary School, so I jumped at the opportunity to do a 5 minute stand-up set. The other acts on the bill were all musical. Luckily the guy running night, Cockatoo Paul (legend), had the sense to put me on halfway through and the sense not to introduce me as a standup. 30 seconds into the set my decision to participate didn't seem the best idea. It was 150+ crowd of backpackers, many of whom were drunk, they hadn't paid to watch and as such didn't care too much, plus they had been talking amongst themselves during the music acts. Their inclination to watch a random bloke do standup wasn't high. I was getting heckled left right and centre and was dealing with them pretty well. I got through to my first punchline, everyone laughed, and I had their whole attention. The gig went extremely well and I strolled off stage very pleased with myself. I even won a prize, a free trip to Nimbin on Jim's Alternative Tour. Doing the gig has given me a very minor case of celebrity within the hostel. It has mainly involved drunk people coming up to me at random times commenting on how what I talked about during my set has happened to them. My luck continued to the next night for a trivia quiz. On my team was a Dutch guy, two Canadian girls, and an English girl. We won the contest, each getting $30 in cash and other prizes. I got a free surf lesson. They say luck comes in three's so I am waiting for my third piece of good fortune.

I had my surf lesson yesterday. It was great fun and brilliant to be able to stand up on the board. To suggest that I looked graceful and cool would not be accurate. I am amazed surfers can look cool. We went out and learnt the steps we had to do on the beach. There are four steps, knee, front foot across, back foot up, and push up to stand. We then went out into the surf. Apparently the conditions were really tough, there was a big swell and the current was dragging across the beach. We waded through the surf, falling into pot holes as we went, trying to avoid the waves as they came crashing in, whilst making sure to hold on to the board. We then got to the instructor, Danny, who held the board in position while we clambered on to the board and then released us when a wave came in. It was hard work. I looked like a cat in a washing machine, with snot hanging off my face and a bleeding foot. I was able to stand up on the board early on and then tumbled. About an hour into the lesson my strength was waning and Danny commented on this. He seemed to find my attempts funny. I was struggling to get on to the board let alone the four steps. I got knocked off pretty much immediately after he let go quite a few times at this stage. There was another instructor in the water with us taking photos and offering advice. He said that I should remember the four steps, to look up, and move my feet. I had the best of intentions to achieve all of these goals, but they weren't coming together. We got out of the water and had a rest then went back in. I ran in a couple of good waves, especially the last one. I don't think Kelly Slater needs to be looking over his shoulder.

I went on my tour to Nimbin the other day. Nimbin is famous for allowing Cannabis to be smoked legally. The police turn a blind eye for some reason and have done since the 1970s. I'm not one for drugs and neither were the English couple I was doing the tour with. However, I didn't feel out of place on the tour. Jim is a nice guy and runs a good tour. Nimbin is a weird place, which I'm glad I didn't decide to stay in. It is worth seeing but is a bit of a freak show. There are dealers everywhere. In the museum dealers seem to come out of nowhere. From Nimbin we went to Paul's place, an American who bought land near Nimbin and has hand planted it since. He is a real hippy and the walk through his grounds is peculiar to say the least.

Oz XIV - Pastures New

I am slowly but surely making my way up the East Coast. I have taken about 2 weeks to get to the mythical backpacker town of Byron Bay (more to come on that at a later date). A lot of people will leave Sydney and go straight to Byron or have one stop enroute. I have enjoyed not being tied to a schedule. I am travelling with Greyhound and have a pass that takes me to Cairns. I can get off at any stops on the way and it is a good way to meet other backpackers. Most people on the East Coast will stick to the towns that Greyhound drops them off in. I've gone to a little bit more effort and got local buses and hostels to come and pick me up to take me to some places a bit off the typical trip. I've only had one problem to date with Greyhound. To guarantee a seat on a particular service you have to call 24 hours beforehand, otherwise if there is space on the coach you can get on. I arrived at Newcastle to catch the coach to Port Macquarie and the Greyhound driver was yelling at a group of 4 guys and a girl for not pre-booking their trip. He was behaving completely irrationally and phoned the Greyhound centre where they told him to let us on the coach. After this initial reaction he was then sweet as pie with us. On my next trip from Port Macquarie to Urunga he was the driver again and remembered me. I had pre-booked this time and he was happy as larry, chatting away with everyone and cracking jokes.

My first stop from Sydney was Port Stephens. Port Stephens isn't actually a place but is a name for the body of the water. It took me a while to discover this as I couldn't find Port Stephens in the guide book. I stayed at the Samurai Beach Backpackers, which isn't actually near a beach but is in the middle of a forest. It is a very nice hostel with cabins amongst the forest and an outdoor kitchen in the middle. The staff were really helpful and friendly. I hired bikes with a group of Swiss guys and cycled around the area. We went on a dolphin watching tour for only $15. My only complaint with the hostel was that when we decided to hire the bikes the hostel staff encouraged us to hire the new $15 for the day bikes. However, I found with mine that the saddle kept coming loose and moving around so you couldn't sit on it properly and one of the peddles broke off. When we got back to the hostel the staff said that they had had nothing but problems with the new bikes and that they were poorly made, which begs the question why they encouraged us to hire them in the first place.

From Port Stephens I headed on to Port Macquarie. I stayed in Oozie Poozie backpackers, possibly the nicest hostel I have stayed in on my travels. It is about a 5 minute walk out of town, the facilities are good and clean though not brand new, and the staff are good but not particularly friendly. However, what set it apart for me was that it was quite a small hostel with a common area in the middle. It made it very easy to meet people and because there weren't many people staying there you got to know everyone really quickly. Port Macquarie is on the coast with a river running through it. There are several beaches stretching down the coast and the town centre has had a bit of money spent on it. There are a couple of tourist attractions with a Koala Hospital and a coastal rainforest centre. They also have a reserve of local flora and fauna which you can wander through with a colony of Flying Foxes. There was a German guy staying at the hostel, who on his first day in Port Macquarie decided to do some cliff diving. He saw some Australian guys and climbed up, without checking the water below, he jumped off and the next thing he remembered was waking up on the beach with paramedics around him. He thought he was back in Germany. He even got a mention in the local paper.

After Port Macquarie I headed up to Bellingen in the hills near the Dorrigo National Park Rainforest. It is a very beautiful area. The hostel is considered to be the 'most pleasant YHA in Australia' (Rough Guide). From the veranda you have views stretching across the valley to rainforest covered hills in the distance. Bellingen is a pretty little place with historic buildings preserved. I spent a couple of days there relaxing and had a dorm room to myself. On my last day I went hiking up in the Dorrigo Rainforest for the day. It is a really pretty area and woth a stop-over if you have the time.

My next stop was Coffs Harbour. I stayed in the Aussitel backpackers. The hostel feels a bit dated and in need of repair but the facilities are clean. The staff were friendly and organised things for people to do. There were a nice crowd of people there so I ended up staying for a few days. It is a bit of a party hostel, especially on 'Punch night'. Punch night involves drinking Goon laced with some spirit, usually vodka. Goon is cheap boxed wine that seems to be as much part of the backpacker East Coast experience as the beaches. Coffs is strange in that there are two town centres. One is next to the beach and the other is further inland. There is a coastal estuary lined with Mango trees leading to the botanical gardens. I spent most of my time relaxing on the beach and swimming off of Jetty beach.

From Coffs Harbour I went to Lennox Heads a small town on the beach about half an hour south of Byron Bay. It is a very pretty little place with a seven mile beach stretching into the distance. I stayed in the YHA in town which is a small hostel with a nice atmosphere. Close to the hostel is a lake stained by tea tree leaves. I had a swim in it and while refreshing I can't say it had any medicinal effect.

Oz XIII - Leaving Sydney

After 6 months I have finally left Sydney and headed up the coast. I popped down to Canberra and then was back in Sydney for Anzac Day. Anzac Day is the day of rememberance for Australian and New Zealand troops who died at Gallipoli in the First World War. I didn't manage to get to any parades or to a dawn service. However, I did see the buildup to the traditional Aussie Rules Anzac Day match between Collingwood & Essendon. I had seen adverts for this all week telling of the importance and tradition of the match and this year was the first year that it was being televised. It turns out that this match has only been going on since 1996! A coincidence more than a tradition. The pre-match buildup was in large part AFL players talking about the meaning of the game in relation to Anzac Day. I then joined in with true Anzac traditions, getting drunk and gambling. All the pubs were packed in Sydney. At each pub they play two-up. This involves throwing 2 pennies into the air and seeing if they both land heads or tails. Before they are thrown you bet with someone across from you in the circle. The police turn a blind eye to it.

Oz XII - Canbore

When you tell an Australian that you are going to Canberra they ask why, and then try and persuade you not to go. I went and everything that I was told about Canberra was true. I was staying in the Civic Centre which is one of the city centres and architecturally it is reminiscent of Basildon. The whole city has a feel of Milton Keynes about it. Although it is surrounded by mountains and is a very green place to walk around, but if you do walk you will be one of the very few people to do so. I preferred Canberra to Adelaide and it is worth a visit if you are on your way from Sydney to Melbourne. The museums and public buildings are excellent and free. I spent two days touring round them and could have spent longer. The War Memorial is informative and has some great displays. The New Parliament is impressive if slightly strange. The architecture isn't necessarily pretty but the symbolism behind it is clever. The Muesum of Australia is great. It is new and the displays are imaginative. The Old Parliament is a great time capsule to walk around. If you have time it is worth popping down to the High Court and the National Gallery. The staff in all were friendly and helpful. If you are looking for city with nightlife then Canberra isn't the place to be. We found one pub that was open in the Civic Centre and that was it. I stayed in the Canberra City YHA, which has modern facilities. I did have 'snorting' man in my room, who snorted and cleared his airways on the hour every hour during the night. I was also constantly surrounded by asian travellers wretching in the bathrooms. I don't know why but it seems to be part of the asian culture that wretching is good for you. I don't know if there is any truth to this but it isn't one of the most pleasant habits people can have.

I was back on the Greyhounds from Sydney to Canberra and while they are easy and comfortable to use, like in a hostel your experience is completely dependent on the people around you. On the way to Canberra I boarded the coach and was sitting opposite a guy who seemed to have done far too many drugs in the past. He laughed constantly and tried to get everyone on the bus to wave out the windows. He then decided that I was some kind of magician and kept saying that I was a tricky girl. On the way back to Sydney the child sitting behind me vomited for 3 hours. Travelling is rock and roll.

Oz XI - Messing about on the River

I got to enjoy the picturesque scenery of the Hawkesbury River the other day. My boss took me out on his boat. The Hawkesbury is only an hour's drive north of Sydney and is stunning. The landscape is dramatic and untouched. The photos do not do it justice. I wasn't sure what to expect boat wise. My sailing knowledge is limited to ferries and a boat on a Centre Parks lake. It was a proper speed boat with two V8 engines and a big seating area at the back, it even had a little boat on the back. The company was pretty good as well, one of the guys on board is a publisher and his next launch event will have the opposition leader as the guest speaker. We went fishing. I have never been fishing before and I caught some fish and a crab. We caught another crab and decided to keep it. It does seem a bit weird to catch the fish pull the hook out and then throw it back. I did enjoy sitting in the sun with a beer, very relaxing. For lunch we had a big platter of seafood and cooked the crab we caught (after killing it by freezing it) and a fish we caught.

I have had some more gigs at the Comedy Store. The first one was a special one-off gig for some A-level drama students from Perth. It was a weird night. The audience was mainly 16-17 year old girls who went mental whenever anyone went on stage. I decided to try a new set of material. I was introduced English, said hello and got a massive cheer. That was the high point. The new stuff didn't really work and while I didn't die it wasn't great. Somewhat peculiarly as soon as the acts were off the stage the audience were crowding round us to have photos taken. The next night I had another gig at the Comedy Store and stormed it. I was certainly the best open spot on. It was nice to do a good gig because the MC had been the MC for the past 3 gigs and he was yet to see me put my a-game out on stage. His introductions for me became more lurid of so-called accomplishments as an Englishman. One of the acts was a 14 year old boy who has won a big new act competition in Sydney. The headliner was Chris Wainhouse who was excellent.

Oz X - Aussie Rules

Aussie Rules is big in Australia. It is a cross between, football, rugby, basketball, and street fighting. I like it. The season has just started. I have managed to see the Sydney Swans play twice. It is quite a spectacle. The first game I saw was at the Telstra Stadium with a crowd of 67,000 to watch the Swans vs the West Coast Eagles. It was a great game with a storming finish, the Swans lost by a solidarity point. The same result as last year's Grand Final. The players run around in wife beaters tops (vests) and are covered in tattoos. A large proportion are drug addicted (according to the papers and drug tests) and have a tendency to violence (according to the law). They run on to the pitch to their respective team songs. The Swans have something out of the 1950s, quite chirpy. The Eagles have a mid-80s rock song. They then run through giant banners. The game is exciting to watch but long enough for you to drift off for a while and not lose your place. They play on a cricket oval so it can be tricky to follow without the calls of the crowd on the opposite of the ground. There is one call of "Ball" which is yelled out alot and I haven't grasped what it means. The crowd are vocal to both sets of players and the referees. The women in the crowd tend to be particularly vocal. Today I was watching the Swans vs the Brisbane Lions. A woman behind me was giving particularly loud instructions to the players at which point her son joined in and she was shocked at his language, I can't think where he gets it from. The Swans ended up dominating the 3rd quarter and winning easily. My favourite player is Barry Hall. This has a great deal to do with his TV adverts, Barry Hall Hall. It means he is a player I recognise. He get into fights and kick goals so is an all-round AFL player.

Oz IX - Adelaide, Great Ocean Road, Grand Prix

I had a superb last week travelling from Adelaide to Melbourne, via the Grampians and the Great Ocean Road. Adelaide is a peculiar place, I was there for 2 days and I wouldn't encourage anyone to stay any longer. It is nice enough but a bit pointless. There are some old buildings but these are spoilt by more modern architecture. I have never seen so many multi-storey car parks in the centre of a city. The PR people for Adelaide recognised the problem with selling the city the slogan on the billboards around town is, "Adelaide: You are here." Factually correct but not inspiring. There are some nice parts to town, the Botanical Gardens are pretty, the seaside resort of Glenelg at the end of the tram line is cool, the Adelaide Cricket Oval is picturesque, the bars and restaurants seemed pretty lively. I was lucky to be in town during the Fringe Festival. I randomly bumped into a guy I knew from the Court Jesters in Christchurch. He is an international busking artist. I also stumbled upon the woman who runs So You Think You're Funny in the UK and organises gigs in London.

I then did a 3 day tour from Adelaide to Melbourne with Groovy Grapes. It was excellent. There were 20 of us on the trip and it was a United Nations group. Girls from Switzerland, a guy from Israel, some French-Canadians, a normal Canadian, a Dane, a German, a Japanese girl and Irish and English. The first day was a 12 hour slog from Adelaide to the Grampians. It wasn't a particularly exciting drive. We had a couple of stops but nothing outstanding. However, the Grampians are outstanding. We got there in the late afternoon and I was amazed. I had not heard of them before going on the trip and they are quite magnificent. They are reminiscent of the Blue Mountains but with a character of their own. We stayed in the heart of the Grampians at Halls Gap. In the morning we did a hike up into the hills and were confronted with wild Kangaroos hoping through the morning mist. Next stop was the Great Ocean Road. It is far prettier than I imagined. We travelled the first section up to Port Campbell with towering lumps of rock dotting the coastline. The hostel in Port Campbell was right on the bay. We went to watch the sunset over the 12 Apostles, which was atmospheric even with the large crowds. The next day was a Helicopter ride over the 12 Apostles. The weather was again perfect and the view was sublime. We then drove the rest of the way along the Great Ocean Road. It goes into a rainforest section and the road winds along the waters edge on the hillside.

In Melbourne I was staying with Team Ireland, girls from the Kiwi trip. They have a flat in the heart of St Kilda. St Kilda is a pretty little place, the beach is more Shoeburyness than Bondi but still nice. It was a 10 minute walk from the Grand Prix circuit at Albert Park. It is a great circuit. Most circuits have big run-off areas so it is difficult to get close to the cars as they speed round. Albert Park is a temporary circuit and doesn't have the run-off areas so can get within a few metres of the racing line. I had a 3 day ticket which is cheaper than buying a race day ticket in the UK. As with all motorsport events various companies advertised their goods with beautiful models. Gillette had a shaving tent to advertise their new razor. If you queued up you could be shaved by a model. It struck me as a bit strange, and whilst the anecdote would have been good the models didn't seem to be particularly good at shaving so I decided against it. After qualifying Wolfmother played a concert at the circuit. It was a massive crowd. They were excellent. Afterwards I went to the backstage area where a group of fans gathered and had got the attention of the lead singer who climbed the fence and jumped into the crowd, crowd surfing right by me (click here for the video). On the Saturday night I was out with Team Ireland for St Patrick's Night. Lots of paraletic green people. On raceday the crowd tripled and we were treated to the various area displays. The race itself wasn't the most dramatic of events. Once it finished the fans invaded the circuit. I got round to the paddock area trying to spot any celebs, the Minogues had been on the Pit Walk. I was hanging around when a golf buggy pushed pass with Murray Walker aboard! He does commentary for Australian TV. In the evening I went down to the Crown Casino, the biggest casino in the Southern Hemisphere. Australians and New Zealanders are very proud of having the biggest, tallest, largest something in the Southern Hemisphere. It is all a bit naff. I associate Casinos with people dressed up looking suave and sophisticated, aka Casino Royale. I don't associate it with burnt people in shorts and t-shirts and drunk teenagers. The next day I flew back to Sydney and was standing at the baggage carousel when I realised that Evermore were standing next to me. This wasn't because I recognised them with my musical knowledge, though they didn't look like your normal passenger. It was due to their luggage being stamped with Evermore in massive lettering.

I am back in Sydney at work continuing as a Marketing Co-ordinator. I went to see the Kaiser Chiefs play at a tiny venue during the week. I assumed they would play a big venue for their only night in town. To see them in that size venue in the UK you would have to pay big money. It was a great night. They really rocked out. It was Peanut's birthday so we all got to sing him Happy Birthday.

Before heading off to Adelaide I had a couple of stand-up gigs in Sydney. The first was a tiny audience, typical new act night, which I nailed. A couple of nights later I was performing at a really good night. Wil Anderson was on the bill and it is run by a guy about to make it big time Sam Bowring. I was on first and the MC had done a good job of killing the crowd (he got much much better later). I went on and stormed it, improvised the first part then sailed into my routine. I couldn't ask for more. I got a call from Sam Bowring this week to take a last minute cancellation. I decided to try out some more experimental material which I warned Sam and the MC about. It didn't go well. I can't say I have ever so successfully alienated a crowd within the first 2 minutes. I started OK but then lost the crowd. I then thought I would use some tried and tested stuff in the middle only to find the audience take a deep intake of breath together on the punchline. I have never managed that. I nearly walked by this stage, but I wasn't going to be a coward. I saved it a little towards the end but not by much. The next night I had another Improv gig with Scared Scriptless. There was a massive crowd in who were up for a good night and this lifted the performers. It was certainly the best show I have been involved with them , it was consistently good from start to finish. I couldn't put a foot wrong from start to finish. I had a good team around me who allowed me to push things. I feel like I have moved up through the gears in the past few months. I managed to finish the show serenading a girl who was there for her 21st Birthday. Zero to Hero in 24 hours.

Oz VIII - Week in Sydney

Last week there was heavy rain in Sydney. Rain in Sydney is not that unusual. Heavy rain however seems to produce the same collapse in society as snow does in Southern England. There were floods, car accidents, the traffic system ground to a halt. Yet Australians still refused to wear rain coats. It seems to be unacceptable for an Australian to wear a rain coat. At work all the ex-pats turned up looking suave in their macs the Australians strolled in wet.

As ever lots of things going on in Sydney this week. Last weekend I worked at the Good vibrations festival, it is a big annual dance music festival. I was working on one of the bars with friends of mine from work. It was manic. Nine hours passed in the blink of an eye, the only real break coming when Snoop Dogg was let off the leash. I must have made hundreds of vodka and red bulls. They gave everyone tea spoons to open the cans with. I thought this was slow and wimpy so used my fingers, after half an hour I had cut open both my thumbs and realised why we had been given spoons. The next day I went to Tropfest which is another annual event in the Domain, a short film festival, the biggest in the world. On Tuesday QM2 and QE2 came to town. Sydneysiders love any excuse to hang around the harbour in the sun and the biggest Queen in the world was more than enough reason. As with any event in Sydney this was followed by a spectacular firework display. I had a few days off work so went up to Taronga Zoo. It is a great setting in bushland with view of the harbour and the city. They have a couple of enclosures in the Zoo which you walk through with the animals around you, an Emu is a lot more intimidating without bars.

I continued my soap opera odyssey getting the bus to Palm Beach aka Summer Bay. It is a picturesque spot, far more beautiful then it appears to be on TV. Unfortunately there were no film crews to compliment this beauty or Home & Away stars to stalk. They reckon that the peninsula where Palm Beach sits will eventually be eroded away in 80 years time, so get here quick.

I have continued performing with Scared Scriptless. They are a good bunch of people and get decent audiences to watch. A couple of weeks ago I performed with an apparent legend of Australian TV. She meant nothing to me. She was a presenter of playschool and my friends from work who came to watch were star struck.

Spider watch - after 3 months of living in Australia I finally came across a big spider. The size of my palm. A huntsmen sitting on the ceiling of the bathroom. I decided to leave it alone, someone else decided to kill it after a couple of days. I went to the Australia Museum and they had a giant Funnel Web Spider (the size of a Mini) that moved. I wouldn't fancy coming across a life sized Funnel Web let alone one that was bigger than me. The Palm Beach area was covered in Orb Spiders. Back before Xmas a friend of mine was bitten by a red back spider and rushed to hospital. She was in and out of consciousness and at one point awoke to find 3 doctors trying to inject her with anti-venom at the same time. She said that before she was bitten she was scared of spiders, now she is terrified.

Oz VII - 2 -0 to the Eng-ger-land

Last night was superb. England again outplayed Australia and deservedly won the one-day series. Unlike the previous match I watched at the SCG England could only manage 4 an over run rate and until Collingwood and Flintoff steadied the ship it looked like they might struggle to get to 200. The rain delays seemed to play their part. It was bizarre sitting their under the blazing sun whilst at the same time being rained on.

The crowd was as entertaining as usual. The Australian fans were really giving their own new players stick. In our part of the stand a stand-off emerged over a blow-up Kangaroo with a section of Aussie fans chanting 'chuck the roo', it climaxed in a fight with a meat pie and one guy getting escorted out by the police. The police presence was again very high, it seemed to work as there was only one Mexican wave. I can see the headlines now. I managed to get some satisfaction out of the Loye run out. The run out was not a great moment but the Australian sitting next to me jumped up to cheer and sat down still cheering forgetting his seat had folded up leading to him falling down with his pint all over him, comedy gold. Later on an old woman opened her umbrella when it started to rain for the 6th time and nearly managed to take her husband's eye out, he wasn't impressed.

The Australian innings started well with Gilchrist and Hayden knocking Plunkett and Mahmood round the ground. Yet the wickets started to tumble again. It was great to see the Aussie fans around get quieter and quieter as they realised what happened in the past two matches could be happening again. England looked like they were going to win and the only thing to stop them would be the weather. After a couple of delays it got to the 17th over and it again started to rain. To win the Australian innings had to reach 20 overs. The English players were doing their best to ignore the downpour.

After that England were able to come out after a stunning catch by Dalrymple finished off any lingering Aussie hopes. Me and Jack had moved down next to the boundary rope by this stage and the platoon of the Barmy Army were in full swing with Jimmy Saville leading them. Rain forced the players off again at the 27th over and then after 20 mintues of waiting England were declared the winners of the match and the series. At which point chants of 2-0 started ringing out, the few Australians left followed it up with 5-0. Admittedly they did thrash us in the Ashes, but everyone expected them to win the one-day series easily. They haven't lost a home one-day series in a decade and England haven't won one in Australia since 1987. Currently England are ranked 7th in the world for one-day teams and Australia are 1st. It is a big achievement to win and to win convincingly. Not only that but Ponting and Buchanan have been giving the English team stick for not putting up a strong enough test.

At the end the players came out and celebrated with us in the rain. We were all chanting and you could see how pleased the players were. We were of course surrounded by police because pf the danger that we posed, there was a risk of a Mexican wave or two. Flintoff again bowed down to the Barmy Army as he did at the end of the Ashes and Nixon climbed up the advertising hoardings into the fans. Nixon hung around as the other players drifted off obviously enjoying his moment with England in the limelight.

Super Fred's, Barmy Army, Super Fred's, Barmy Army...now for the World Cup...

Oz VI - Melbourne, Tennis, Neighbours and Cricket

I have been a bit absent minded in updating the blog. I am still a Sydneysider. My work want to keep me on for a while, so I am not sure when I will be moving on from Sydney. I have stopped the second job at the Call Centre because I had enough of abuse from Australians at the cricket let alone having to aggravate people by phoning. I have taken up swimming. There is a pool next to where I work. I have upgraded from the 'Recreation Lane' to the 'Slow Lane'. A one armed guy swam past me the other day. I am not going to be challenging the Thorpedo. The pool is next to the Harbour Bridge and with blue skies above you it is a nice way to relax after work.

The past couple of weeks have been pretty busy. I went to Melbourne to watch the Australian Tennis Open and went to Ramsay Street. I also went to watch the Cricket in Sydney where England finally beat Australia! It was amazing. The England innings was their best this series, ticking along at 5 an over. However, you couldn't help but feel that Australia would steam roller through and get the 291 runs. The one-day crowd is quite different to the Test crowd. There were a lot more drunk loud Australians. They were reminding the England fans of the tour so far and as an England fan there were no comebacks. There weren't really any problems. Although the police were really strict. Mexican waves and beer snakes were banned. Mexican waves were apparently used to throw things so they have been banned. This meant that whenever a drunk bloke jumped up to start a wave it would be followed by a troupe of policeman surrounding that row and dragging them out. A beer snake involves collecting all the empty plastic beer cups and putting them together. Once it has reached a desired length it is held aloft and the crowd cheers. The police then chuck them out. During the Australian innings the beer snakes grew more frequent and it was impressive to see how long people could get them, it takes some organisation. There was a 20 minute period where people stopped watching the cricket and kept cheering giant beer snakes appearing around them. The reason they are banned is that as soon as they are shown to the crowd everyone in the vicinity throws their empties to make the snake even bigger. The Australian innings was brilliant to watch. It was amazing to see Gilchrist go first ball and then Hodge to join him shortly afterwards. Slowly but surely the Aussies got less cocky and the English got louder. The wickets were being smashed to pieces and for once it was great to be an England fan. Afterwards we went to the Captain Cook, popular pub among fans, which got pretty rowdy with England and Australian fans singing. England have even made it into the Tri-Series finals by beating New Zealand. I have a bad feeling that the Australians will exact revenge, Ponting doesn't like to lose.

I was in Melbourne for the last week of the Australian Open. I had tickets to the day session at the Vodafone Arena. I was sitting up in the Gods and got chatting to a random woman. It turned out that her kids were sitting in the first row and there were spare seats so I ended up sitting in the first row for the rest of the day. I headed over to the Rod Laver Arena to see if I could get tickets for the Murray Nadal match. I haven't met so many Scots since Edinburgh. It was impossible to get tickets so I went to watch the first evening match on the big screen with one of the Scottish guys. After the Sharapova match we went back to the Rod Laver Arena and were asking people leaving for their tickets. We got tickets and got to watch the Murray match for free. It was a superb match that last 4 hours and was hugely entertaining. Murray dominated the match and would have won if he could have maintained his intensity. The crowd really got into the contest. The next day I queued for tickets for the Federer Robredo match. I had tickets for the day session in the Rod Laver arena and got to see Sharapova, Hingis, Clijsters and Haas Davedenko. I also queued for the Federer Roddick semi final. It was completely one-sided which was disappointing. It was quite something seeing Federer dismantle Roddick though. The crowd really got on Roddick's side but it didn't make a blind bit of difference.

Melbourne is very different to Sydney. It is doesn't have the same iconic features that Sydney has. I couldn't picture Melbourne before I arrived. It feels much more European than Sydney. The architecture is a mixture of Victorian, modern glass skyscrapers and random crazy stuff. The people look studenty, in Sydney people dress to be beautiful, in Melbourne they dress to be trendy and cool. I decided to do the 12 hour overnight bus from Sydney to Melbourne. I wouldn't recommend it. You leave at 8pm and just as you are getting to sleep you arrive in Canberra. Then as you are getting to sleep again there is a 30minute meal break at 3am in the middle of nowhere. An American guy sat next to me and was a bit over-friendly. When we arrived in Melbourne he took his bags off then started serenading some Japanese girls with his Clarinet. The next evening on the way home from the Tennis I wandered passed him in Fed Square again with his Clarinet out.

Arguably the most exciting thing I did in Melbourne was going to Ramsay Street. It was Australia Day and I tried to think of the most Australian thing I could do. My credentials as a Neighbours fan are damaged by the fact that I haven't watched it since leaving the UK. I have seen two adverts for it on TV which have characters I don't recognise. There is a Neighbours office in Melbourne where they pick you up. There you meet a star, our star was Libby (Kim Valentine). I tried to be cool and asked her about her 'music'. She looked at me strangely and asked what music, I said I thought she was in a band. She said oh no I stopped that ages ago. A wonderful star anecdote some might say, an indication don't try to be down with it. Most people got their photos taken with her, there were others who were completely star struck by the occasion and hung back taking photos from afar as if they were in a zoo. We then boarded the Neighbours bus (it was covered in Neighbours logos) and drove to Erinsborough. They put an old episode on the TV. Our first stop was Erinsborough High. There were a couple of Australian teenagers trying to be too cool for school about it all. I committed to the naffness very easily. I wandered around Erinsborough wide-eyed and got my picture taken with the sign. We then drove passed the studios to Ramsay St. Ramsay St is much smaller than you imagine it to be. It is weird to walk around it because having seen it so much on TV you feel like you know it. I made sure I got my pictures with the Ramsay St sign. When I got back from Melbourne I went to the Neighbours night in Sydney. The Neighbours night involves 3 stars answering questions then wandering round the crowd getting their photos taken. It was packed with over 200 backpackers. The stars for the night were Toadie, Boyd, Janae and Lana. When you enter they ask you to write down questions for the stars. I made the school boy error of asking a serious question for Janae (were you intimidated when you joined the cast), all the other questions were who would you kill, who would you sleep with, why are you fat. For some reason they choose to ask my question as well. The stars toured the tables and we got our photos taken. Janae was first round. Lana was their because they are friends and she was hovering around the bar seemingly embarrassed that no one was having their photo taken with her, so I dived in. Boyd was next and it turns out he is 19 and a short-arse. He is possibly 4ft 6. He seemed to be a very nice guy. The final one round was Toadie who was the hit of the night. The rest of the night consists of dodgy Club 18-30 style games and a lacklustre trivia quiz.

There was a 'special' guy wandering around the crowd. He was wearing a Neighbours t-shirt and had a photo album. We assumed that he was one of the organisers. He introduced himself to our table and it turned out this was his 38th consecutive Neighbours night. He has pictures with all the stars in his album and photos when he has gone to Ramsay St. The pictures document his decline. He looks quite normal at the start. By the end he has dodgy bleached hair (and bleached eyebrows). Apparently he gets in each night for free. I wonder whether the organisers do this to warn people of the dangers of Neighbours addiction. A warning I took to heart. Although if Dr Karl or Paul Robinson come to town then I will be there with bells on. I did randomly bump into a girl from the year above me at 6th form, turns out she works with the weirdo.

Sydney Fireworks

Sydney Fireworks